if everyone judged you based on this and only this: “which university you go to?”, i guess i have already lost half (or maybe whole) of the battle. it’s 101% hard to gain back the trust and confidence you’re supposed to receive, because everyone’s looking at you differently after your reply.

this is the unfair reality, ain’t it?

$4 stolen from his wallet, handphone being confiscated by the discipline master, and yet friends were being cold to him just because he told his teacher that he lost his $4 and everyone thought he was making a big fuss out of it cuz he caused all his friends’ handphones to be consficated too?!

seriously, are friends supposed to be like that? turning their backs away from you just like that? even though you guys are sec 4s already, grow up pls! my brother is a victim himself too! $4 may be nothing to you guys, but to us, even 10 cents is now worth the money. we’re here busy saving up money and there are people out there who steal my bro’s money and then ignore him?! pls la for goodness sake, his phone is being confiscated too, does it do anything good to him?!

superficial friends. so who’re the friends out there who are true to you? i seriously wonder.

i have never thought of 半工半读-ing, but now i’ve such thoughts.

i’m even considering working two jobs during this hols.

call me crazy, tire myself for what… but i’ve seriously no choice.

i guess, as time passes, i worry more and feel the need to help out till the situation gets better.

when will it be the end? i wonder.

i know i am not supposed to hallucinate *refers to latest post before this* but i cant help it when it happened in my dream!

i dreamt about him asking me THE question. what is this?!?!?!?! if only it happened in reality, yeah i wish hard maybe will. -.-

FIVE MORE DAYS, kill me please.

two days ago, i told myself this:

before the day ends, and if there’re no more replies, i shall stop hallucinating and get back to reality. what is in the past is the past, it can never be the same anymore.

today i went online, and saw a reply.

just some simple probably meaningless words, but it’s that last word that caught my attention.

but i dont wish to think of it anymore. it’s exam season now, and i need my 100% focus for exam preparation.

as for this, i will wait patiently. things that are supposed to be said out will eventually be said out.

i just got to know that one of my friend has lost her dad long time ago, and i only got to know this truth after knowing her for 2 years plus going to 3? yeah what kind of friend i am right?!

and yesterday she lost her uncle due to cancer, which made me think that life is so fragile.

like what drumthesticks has posted,

“how many deaths are there in a day? this is the scary and unknown part of life, i don’t really like it when things get dragged for more than a month. cos you won’t know what’s gonna happen after that. this is life.”

it’s unbelievable that i’m turning 20 this year, but it’s even more unbelievable that my parents are turning 50 this year, like they’ve already spent half of their lifetime in this world!!!

so, it’s time for me to treasure what i have now, before i regret in the future. (:

the harsh reality.

i first heard it on 27 February 2009, i can still rmbr the date so clearly. i felt my heart crying, after i heard it. i thought i had already understood the situation, and i would try and do something about it. but one month and few days have passed, and what i have done so far were just slacking, not putting in lots of effort in studying for prelims, watch youtube videos and msn like free, as if there’s no tmr. never once did i stop to think, “hey that’s not what i’m supposed to do!”

it’s only when it’s just now, when my dad and bro suddenly quarrelled, that i truly understand what situation i am in now.

words now have become more sensitive, life can never be as happy and carefree as before. i’ve already been indulged in a tight situation that i only realised after one month and few days. felt super ashamed for what i’ve been doing for the past few days. felt the need to be matured, like right NOW!

5 April 2009, shall be the day i start leading a ‘brand new’ life. spend wisely, save more, and study super duper hard. and i need to be more sensitive with using the appropriate words.

sincerely hope for the best, soon. (:

i know, it’s hard to find someone taking the exact same course as you, especially when you’re in a school without any tutorial/civic groups or whatever you called it. so if you managed to find one, you will tend to ‘stick’ to the person, choose the same timetable as him/her so that at least you’ve a companion in school and stuff. but it seriously sucks, when you’ve found that one and only person who turns out to always pangseh you for i dont know what reasons. and when that person is unable to turn up, he/she will tend to ask you for updates like take/copy notes and lend the next day, and poor you will be living in fear, worrying if he/she may not return your stuffs back.

because i’ve experienced this today again. i am so used to going to school and attending lectures ALONE. this is how bad the situation is, which i believe it has slowly nurtured me to an “introvert”. i mean when people ask me for help, i will gladly lend a helping hand. but when i need help, who’s there to help me? just like today, he (my pangsehed friend) asked me to take down notes for him cuz he’s not feeling well again, yes i am doubting. i said okay. but when i asked him to do a small favour for me by helping me check if there’s 151e bus service today, no replies from him after that.

you know, it’s all these small little actions that caught my attention, making me ponder if you’re treating me as a real friend, or just using me. today i had my revision class, and we received a revision handout. and because i fear that he will not return my stuff again after i lent him, i didnt even mention to him anything about this when he asked how’s class today. 

am i being selfish? i have no idea. all i know is that, i want my secondary school and jc friends back, my real friends back!!! ):

i dunno why, but i think i’ve changed ever since i entered uni.

changed in the sense that i learn to become more “selfish”.

when people asked if they can borrow my notes, i will think twice.

and i feel that people are “using” me you know.

all these feelings, i never ever felt it back when i was in secondary school/jc.

the people here are scary, scary to the extent that i dont know what they are actually thinking about!

people can lend my notes/assignments, but not return it promptly, only when i demanded. or worst still, claiming that they’ve returned me when i didnt even receive it at all! yeah, one of my marked assignments was gone like that. ): thank goodness it’s not my exam script or something, if not i will really cry.

when it comes to studies, all of them directed or asked me for help, just because my assignment marks are rather consistent. they’re all interested in my scores, and when i said i wont do well, they will give me the “but you are XXX leh!” kind of tone. i mean okay la, it’s good to hear people praising me, but hearing the same comments everytime can be pressurising you know.

tell me, how can i not be “selfish” in this kind of school environment?! if i’m not, i will probably be the victim. okay, i am not saying i wont lend my stuffs/help people, but now when i lend them stuffs, i have to demand it back like immediately, and i dont really like begging people for stuffs back you know.

okay, i am not saying that all my friends are like that, i’m fortunate for having some really great uni friends who can really understand me. but just that i see more of such situations now that i’m in uni, and it’s really scaring me, i dunno who is presenting their true selves and who isnt. 

who say uni is fun?! uni is a place where you can see people’s true colours!!! ultimately, uni is a place where i can only rely myself, no one else but MYSELF!!!